How do you know?

I’m really anxious. 

Having a lot of thoughts at once is difficult. Surrender is such an interesting topic. It’s like essential for the Christian faith, and yet impossible at the same time. We can never truly accomplish it and yet, we should never quit attempting it. When is something considered surrendered in God’s eyes? When we say we want to? when we actually attempt? when we accomplish for a month, a year? Ever? I know that I want to surrender everything that is hindering my walk with God on principle alone. But, I can’t seem to really do it or even figure out what all those things are. You been there? 

I want what God wants. But I don’t know what he wants. Sometimes I assume. Thus, sometimes I am wrong and it’s back to what I want. I don’t think I know how to be selfless for like 17 hours in a row. I just don’t. So can I ever really serve God? really serve him to my potential? Really serve him like I should? 

How do you know when God has changed you? When you feel enough of a change? When someone else senses it and tells you? When you can look waaay back and think you can tell a difference? How do you know when God needs to change you? When someone else tells you? when you just feel it? When God literally hits you with an object of sorts?

How do you know when your in love? When you feel it? Even I say no to that one. When you want to say it once? When you want to say it 10 times but fought them each off? When you fully grasp how God loves you first? When you fully grasp how God loves his people? When you willingly choose to in a difficult circumstance? When your convinced marriage will follow? When you any well time please?

I don’t know. Maybe one of you does.

On a separate note. I just learned tonight to never doubt the person in the people. People are easy to judge, easy to group into a category, easy to write off. But the passion in a person is unparalleled and should never be questioned. I’m bad with joking when I shouldn’t. I don’t realize how I offend people. It’s not fair. I am sorry. But the person who is fighting the good fight for the Lord never ceases to amaze me. I am blown away, encouraged and inspired. Maybe that makes up for all the questions above I couldn’t answer…

 

How different are we?

So, i recently finished reading through Matthew. One thing I noticed was how often Jesus told the disciples exactly what he was going to do. He told them 4-5 times that he would be betrayed, die on a cross, and rise again. And yet, when it happened, all the disciples were miserably upset that Jesus died and had no faith that he would rise from the dead. It wasn’t even in conversation. Vegas didn’t even have any odds. You’d think if Jesus told them 4 times something that crazy, and the cross part happened, at least one or two of them would be a bit more hopeful that he would rise again, but they weren’t. Why weren’t they? Are they just that dumb? blinded by doubt? weren’t paying attention when Jesus was talking about that? I’m not sure, however, that prompted me to a new set of questions. How much different would we be? or are we now? Are there times when God is obviously pushing us a certain direction or opening a door and we miss it? Are we acting the same as the disciples? You see, I had to catch myself from hating on the disciples for being so dumb, because I’m not certain that I’m any better at times. I wonder if that’s how God looks at us some times. Are we missing the obvious? Are we missing those doors? The disciples went on to believe the story when they saw Jesus and they all did great things for the kingdom. I don’t know if I want to be similar when it comes to waiting until it’s so very obvious for my proof. Faith is hard, as mentioned in previous blogs, but the reward is high. Don’t wait around for the obvious, when obedience can start today. Scripture is such a cool history tool for showing us how things went down, but we need to learn from it, have it all in context, and make a difference today. 

So again, in the midst of a crazy world and a difficult time to have strong faith, how different are we?

Old times. Good memories.

I got the chance to lead worship with some great friends of mine this past sunday at ACF. It was their retreat weekend and they wanted the worship team to get a break sunday morning. So, thankfully, andrew mclean and steve barnwell, returned to state college to help me out. Our old stomping grounds. Fresh removed. It was so awesome to be back and play for those guys with that church. I  never want to sing again without their harmonies behind me. It just felt so right. Beats me on how it went in general, but I know that Us on stage were able to adamantly worship, and I think that’s always important. Sure, mistakes were made. But if anybody was able to stretch themselves worship wise and experience the Lord that morning, than all was worth it. I wish ACF the best as I part from it this year. I toyed around with the idea of helping out and such, alas, my conclusion is to let it be for this year. Be a part of another church body with more people in my scenario. Me a part of a different body in general. Learn to start over, grow, be challenged, challenge others, make friends. A church that meets every sunday year round, haha. I know the potential is high for my involvement in ACF to increase next year, but I need this year. This whole new life is very different to me and I’m trying to figure it out, and desperately don’t want to do it without the Lord and his people encouraging me along the way. 

“take my life and let it be, all for you and for your glory. take my life and let it be yours.”

What if it were 50-50?

We are going to go with a general principle that is probably close to reality. Let’s say the world is split about Christianity 10-80-10. 10 percent are all in, devoted, adamantly love jesus and live it out. 10 percent are completely against the idea and oppose it in every way possible. The other 80 are in the middle about it. They are luke warm. Think they believe it, but doubt. Think they should live it out, but don’t….or most of us, proclaim to be the 10, but our lives don’t live like it because we don’t have the discipline, can’t commit, or don’t fully trust God. 

I think that is a crappy way to do it. i think if you believe in something, you should actually believe in it. If it’s not worth going all in for, why are you attempting to do it in the first place? If you know what you believe, which you should for the most part because it should mean enough to you to figure out, Then go out of your way to stand up for what you believe in. On the fence Christians or apathetic Christians drive me nuts. And whenever my life looks like that it equally drives me nuts. It’s not worth it. Life seems to be bigger than just going through it.

So…

What if everyone picked a side. For or against God. The way it theoretically should be. If half the world was sold out for Jesus and the others completely out of the christian circle. What would the world look like? Or the biggest question…would it be better than what we have now or not?

I would argue that the 50-50 system is better. People strongly holding to what they believe to the point where their lives look like it. Sure, it would be chaos, but the church would never get a bad image, because the 80% before aren’t screwing up the church and what it looks like to the outside world. The church would look like it should…and evangelism would be heavy. So maybe the other 50 would start to swing assuming the bad eggs don’t ruin the good ones. I think this is interesting to think about. A shame we will never know for sure. 

End point is that I think it’s better to commit to living for God verses going back and forth. I’m not saying I pull that off all the time. But we, the church, can’t keep doing this. We carry the church with us when we decide we don’t really wanna do it, and thus the tarnishing of Jesus’ gospel begins. 

I dunno…Something to think about…

One Year.

This post is for me. No mention on facebook. No anything. In fact. I hope to blog quickly after this so it gets missed. But i need this.

Today marks the day that would have been the one year anniversary between Lauren and Myself. The day that could have happened if doubts didn’t plague our minds. Or if priorities could have been figured out better on my end. Seemingly, this day almost kept it’s significance. I suppose we have looked a lot like we are dating. We certainly did over the summer. The break up had little impact because we still spent time with each other. One bad day, then we kept seeing each other. Then we spent maybe a month not talking after I left. She never really left my mind, which lead me to believe I made a mistake…or that it wasn’t over. That I needed things to happen in my life before we could come together and actually be right for each other. Maybe I missed her cause she was all I knew. But what if I didn’t? What if the missing her went deeper. That’s what i’ve thought lately, since I’ve been back. Now i’m the cause for Lauren having to answer a thousand questions from people regarding our status. It wasn’t fair of me at all. I hate selfishness, and yet, i practice it all the time. I am sorry that I have not been a good example on relationships at all. Not even close. My goal this time around is to do things right. I just seemed to be stalling because God and work are taking first priority. Now, no communication can occur. I can’t even mention the significance or not of this day. I don’t know why today was so hard. I wish I just knew. The problem with dating once, is that if you want to date twice, you better be for sure cuz it’s going to be serious. I’m scared of the answer to the question, will I marry this girl? Either way, I’m scared. So I stall. I let things act couple-ish. Because it’s comfortable there. Not fair, comfortable. That isn’t happening anymore and the pressure to figure it out seems too much. I can’t figure myself out. I refuse to ever be one of those people who puts off dating to get right with God. There is no finish line. That’s dumb. I also can’t be someone who down plays dating enough to justify it this time around…

One year. Would have been today. Thoughts of what I would have down spiral through my head. The joy of wanting to bring her joy is overwhelming. The doubt plays that pirate ship ride with my thoughts is also overwhelming. Tick tock. Until I should have it figured out. What If I don’t? What if I do? Goodbyes are tough. Hellos forever are also tough, just for different reasons. Vulnerability is key to any relationship. But the second time? what’s to be vulnerable about?

I know God is good. I don’t know if I believe there is only one girl for everyone. I don’t know how destiny, fate, and free-will work together. 

Happy Would have been one year. I smiled before the rest of this starting rattling around my brain. I think that’s important…

I’m going to prove the validity of Scripture

Well, if you are ready this because you actually believed I was going to prove the validity of Scripture in a blog, that’s silly. Because Scripture’s truth, just like God, can’t be proven scientifically just as much as the lack of God can’t be proven scientifically. Thanks for your faith that I could do it though!

And faith is what fills in the missing links to the whole story. Countless numbers of times I’ve heard people argue about the validity of scripture. how could random dudes write God’s words? Or how did God ordain this text and doesn’t do that today? The list goes on. To be honest, I’ve never understood why anyone would go to such lengths to try and disprove scripture, it’s not changing their lives at all if they don’t believe in it. I suppose everyone is looking for a justification to live their lives the way they want. As I said before, no one wants to be judged or told what to do. The story of Jesus is true. We can prove he existed. We can proved He was crucified. We can even prove that the tomb was empty after 3 days. So it comes down to two stories. One. Do you believe Jesus rose from the dead? Or Two. Do you believe his body was stolen to back up his story of rising from the dead. (off topic, but just for the record, in the history of existence, has anyone claimed to come back from the dead and it ever looked close enough to them actually doing it? I mean for someone to say it that often and their body happened to be missing….I’m just saying)

Faith. Either story you chose takes a whole heck of a lot of it. You better truly believe that Jesus is risen from the dead if you do because it’s the crux for who you are, what you believe, and how you live your life. Or two. you better reaaaaally believe his body was stolen or you as well have some consequences to pay for later and it also affects the entire way you live.

For me, the Bible works. Sure, there are some things I can’t explain. But I also can’t explain  half the things I saw on Planet Earth the DVD series. Sure, some wild things are said in scripture. Some wild things are also said in Mitch and Dan’s apartment and that’s half the reason I ever go there. But beyond my silly lines, the disciples were willing to die for this story. And let’s face it, they were dumb. No one should ever give them credit to be smart enough to figure out what Jesus meant, execute the lie, and write these stories to prove it. Nor should any story be mentioned of them writing this story to give themselves tremendous credit. I don’t think they had any sense of the history of this. How could they know they’d go down as the most famous 12 followers ever? They couldn’t. They were teenagers who were confused. But when the light turned on after the cross, and the story started to make sense? They bought in….All the way. They didn’t stop when someone said they’d kill them for telling the gospel. No. They died for it. How far would you be willing to go to prove a lie? Even a really good lie. A lie that makes you a legend forever? Would you die brutally for that? Before you hit 20?…be honest…I didn’t think so.

Anyway, none of that proves much. It’s just some facts and decision tools. I have to have faith to fill in the gaps of the things I can’ t explain. God’s word is alive to me. It may not be word for word perfect. Heck it was translated a thousand times. But they spoke in stories back then, that’s why Jesus used parables. A way to make sense of things. To break through to all people. 

How could multiple people read the same passage and get different things out of it, both good? Because the Bible is a great teaching tool. It’s alive. crazy as that sounds. Text will always move people. Even if it scares them, judges them, or challenges them. 

If you are a hater, read most of it before you further your ignorance. If you are a doubter, figure out what you wanna have faith in and do it. don’t fake it, phone it in, stall it, figure it out  now. If you are unsure, don’t stop reading it. You’d be surprised how God can speak through it. perseverance is always a good trait….Not as good as faith though.

The “bigness” of the moment

Matthew 12

¹At that time Jesus went through the grainfields on the Sabbath. His disciples were hungry, and they began to pluck heads of grain and to eat. ²But when the Pharisees saw it, they said to him,”Look, your disciples are doing what is not lawful to do on the Sabbath.” ³He said to them, “Have you not read what David did when he was hungry, and those who were with him: ⁴how he entered the house of God and ate the bread of the Presence, which it was not lawful for him to eat nor for those who were with him, but only for the priests? ⁵Or have you not read in the Law how on the Sabbath the priests in the temple profane the Sabbath and are guiltless? ⁶I tell you, something greater than the temple is here. ⁷And if you had known what this means,’I desire mercy, and not sacrifice,’ you would not have condemned the guiltless. ⁸For the Son of Man is lord of the Sabbath.”

What a moment. This is one of the first scriptures I read where I sensed the moment. I normally read and there are pretty stories and it’s all well and good. However, on this particular morning with this particular passage, it was real. I saw it, felt it, heard it. I feel like that’s how all scripture should be read. i don’t know how to always automatically make that happen, however. Let me know if you have the formula.

Anyway, the moment. The stage is set for Jesus to set up the Pharisees again. i feel like He does things like this on purpose, antagonizing them to say something so He can be holy and God. I love it. It’s Christ’s version of smack talk….I think. The Old Testament was what everybody knew, knew the rules, the things to do in order to be saved. Jesus was paving the way for the new way. Where your intentions and motivations behind your actions mattered more than the actual actions, because God is a God who cares about primarily your heart; not your shirt, your language, your habits, your anything secondary. 

Jesus called them out on how the Priests were following rules accurately, but their hearts weren’t aligned with God’s, which is always an issue. Think about the magnitude of him saying “I tell you, something greater than the temple is here.” Because the temple was all they had. It symbolized the rules and regulations and sacrifices and place of holiness. There wasn’t as much a life with God outside those walls…until Jesus said there should be. The “bigness” if you will in that statement and moment is breath stealing to me. There is something bigger here and to come. A faith where one can truly be set free, a life full of hope and purpose, forgiveness and a clean slate to all. It’s more than a building and rules can provide.

He follows it up by calling out the Pharisees. “and if you had known what this means, ‘I desire mercy, and not sacrifice’, you would not have condemned the guiltless. For the Son of Man is lord of the Sabbath. CRAZY!

Christ belittles the repetitive sacrifices that the “holy ones” made in order to have the power. He states that mercy is more desirable by God. That was ground breaking to them, considering a woman should be stoned for committing adultery according to scripture. And yet, Christ showed mercy there as well. Because the heart shows mercy. The body, sacrifice.

He ends it all by proclaiming HE is Lord of the Sabbath. How could they refute that? They must have said nothing and walked away heads down, ashamed they failed to catch Christ sinning again. Jesus decides how things go down on sunday. No one else. I love it. I hope you did too.

Somewhere in the middle

I’m not sure if it matters whether you are a Casting Crowns fan or not, the lyrics to this song hit me big time.

casting crowns song:  Somewhere in the middle

Somewhere between the hot and the cold
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be
Somewhere in the middle, You’ll find me

Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You’re making me
Somewhere in the middle, You’ll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Are we caught in the middle

Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves

Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the altar and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle You’ll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You’re by my side
Loving me even on these nights when I’m caught in the middle

Sadly, this seems to be the truth of my life. My good intentions turn into compromise and justification. My aspirations to love God more than I ever have turn into complacency. I don’t know if you’ve ever been there or felt similar to me. It can be paralyzing. It is also a good thing to acknowledge. Somewhere between who i am and who i used to be. that one hit be pretty good. It’s easy to let old sins pull you back in. And who isn’t at some point in the middle of the wrong and the right. Where you don’t feel like you are doing something wrong, but also don’t exactly feel like it’s the Life or decision God has called you to. I thought it was brilliantly stated when he wrote “Just how close can i get Lord, to my surrender, without losing all control. I will stop saying we, cuz I guess I don’t really know. But I do know that I am just like that. I want to surrender, I know I should, I intend to, and yet, I don’t fully. And if you can’t surrender fully, are you at all? Or is that like a day of fasting while still eating lunch?

Somewhere between my faith and my plans. Ouch, that one almost hurt. Cuz i’m there. Just like State Farm commercials. When faith is strong, my plans don’t matter, when it isn’t, all of a sudden I got some ideas on how things should go. I really don’t like being in the middle. Don’t like feeling like i’m somewhere between the altar and the door. Scripture is clear that you are either hot or cold. God loves you the same. The warm tempature is the one he hates. and I can’t blame him. That’s all Brett Favre like. I’m in…. ahh I dunno. 

I’m glad I listened to this song on the way up to Penn State. I needed it. It’s always good to let Switchfoot ask you if you are who you wanna be. and I had that moment with this song. Maybe you can to? Or maybe you aren’t in the middle, in which case, please help. haha.

I love music.

God Bless.

 

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Just stop Judging…or breathing

Judgement is hard. Hard to take from others. And hard to stop handing out to others as well. Everyone dreads being judged in some shape or another. Like the christian after two or three beers, slurred speak, yelling “don’t you judge me!” to anyone who looks at them. Comedic actually, the levels we go to in order to not be judged. People just don’t do well with  judgement. Maybe it’s because they care too much what others think. I don’t really know. Passing judgement ain’t so keen either, but we do it. Without noticing most of the time too. It comes across in our gossip, or the tones we use when we talk about someone else. Crazy how much we don’t want to be judged and how much we want to continue to judge others. Have we forgotten who we are? 

Romans 14 talks about this. verse 4 says “Who are you to pass judgement on the servant of another? It is before his own master that he stands of falls. And he will be upheld, for the Lord is able to make him stand.” This is the basic who are you to pass judgement on someone else line, which I believe is useful when it comes to negative thoughts. However, this should not be applied to helping a brother or sister in Christ become more who God has in store for them. Maybe another tough line to find. If you can carry that in a message of love and reverence for the person, I believe it will be beneficial to that person. Simply belittling them or making them feel like an awful person, is not so helpful.

The fact that one day we will all stand before God on judgement day doesn’t seem good enough for most of us down here. We still want to take matters into our owns hands and let that person know how (blank) they are. Fill that in on your own. Seems kinda funny I guess.

verse 16 says “So do not let what you regard as good be spoken of as evil.” I find that very interesting. I’ll let ya’ll think about that and determine what you will. But that is good for anybody doing something pretentiously spiritual or religious. What’s the point if it deters others from Christianity? 

The last verse is crazy too: “For whatever does not proceed from faith is sin.”

I feel like that’s thick and I can’t put my finger on what that means. I know that if you pray to God without the faith that he can do what you prayed for, Your prayer was in essence useless. I doubt sinful. So I wonder what parameters Paul was talking about. It’s probably just a good reminder that as we walk with the Lord daily attempting to become more like him, faith should always be constant. 

So see what you can do longer, hold your  breath, or not judge somebody in your heart….and, GO!

Welcome back to State College

I’m writing this post from the Mount. It’s sweet to be back. (I will be ignoring the painful loss to Iowa this whole post) I have a job. I jusst need me a place.  I’ll be looking for places this week and need to hurry because I start work next monday. It’s a bit stressful, but hopefully, will be over soon. And then it will feel like i’ll never have a homework assignment again. I’ll be praying where and what I should do church wise. I love ACF, and want to find a way to help out where I can, but I do still need to find a church home of people similar to me. A non-college student, young professional group that I can share my walk with, etc. I definitely want to stay around college ministry because I may end up enthralled with it at the future Philly church plant through ACF. I’m excited for what’s to come. New Chapter. I’m just lucky enough to start a new chapter with some familiar surroundings. I love having Pastor Aaron and pete horning around. Great men of God to walk with.

Aaron said a few things this morning that challenged me. I’d like to pray more often to let go of things that offend me. I always feel like i should get things off my chest if they bother me right away, however, i think its better sometimes to pray to let them go. I also dont want to be a man of circumstances. I don’t want to be up and down with how my situations are. Lastly, I’d like to focus on not gossiping. Too often, i assume that gossiping only occurs in high schools by girls. Like i feel justified to share my negative thoughts about another person to someone else. It’s not okay. If I have an issue with someone, I should confront them or get over it. I want those to be my only two options.

Anyway, this was just some thoughts and ramblings of where I am. i expect to be moved in and settled back in state college by next week.