**trivial surface portion of blog. Safe for the quick scanner to pretend like your keeping up and want it to be short, sweet, and not too deep***
My break was shrouded with a strange sleepiness at all times. It was bizarre. it was like i did not wake up the whole time i was home. This was a great set up for today i think, which was the perfect day for me. From the beginning of the day on, my lovely girlfriend Lauren was there, which was swell. We got a chance to lounge around my apartment and enjoy the last do nothing day before school.
For lunch, I convinced Brett Brashers to go on a mission with us. Mission: find out who has the best dollar chicken sandwich around. We drove to BK, Mcdonalds, KFC, and Wendy’s to seek it out. BK has a spicy chicken sandwich for a dollar, Mickey D’s has the regular mcchicken for a dollar, KFC has the snacker for now $1.29, (rip off), and Wendy’s has crispy chicken for $1.29 as well. There could not be a better lunch plan on a rainy sunday for me. and for the record, Lauren confirmed BK coffee better than Mcdonalds by far. wild. So BK spicy chicken is the best, though mcdonalds is the best value because it was the biggest. KFC sucks. in all ways. slow, too expensive, and the skimpiest piece of chicken in a bun i’ve ever seen. Wendy’s also not worth the extra .29 cents. So there you have it.
We then watched football, napped, and repeated that process like 3 times and it was glorious. There was an overwhelming calmness and relaxation over the whole day. I don’t get that very much. You all know how busy and college life seems to go together. In the midst of this day, i re-arranged my room, which i love doing, and cleaned up as well! crazy i know. more lounging, then grocery shopping while hungry. bad idea, but awesome at the same time. Ending with watching a documentary on Britney Spears with Lauren and Flea at her apartment. It deeply intrigued me and i have no idea why.
There were lots of smiles today. The whole thing felt great. As if the world stopped so i could have a quiet catch up lazy day. I experienced more peace and joy today than i have in a long time. I know school is coming when i wake up monday morning. but the peace stayed with me regardless. Maybe break helped me realize more that stressing really really doesn’t help anything. The magnitude of grades are low. the need to experience and enjoy life is very high. God’s joy is something i don’t know that i’ve experienced a lot. I get down easy at times. but more often, i’m right in the middle and i’m not a big fan of it. Praying by asking for it doesn’t seem to work for me, so it was the biggest blessing in the world to experience it today.
**dangerous getting deep portion of blog, feel free to peace out now if that’s not your thing***
If you have ever wondered what Gods peace is like or if you are experiencing it, just listen to a very still voice inside you that repeats “it’s going to be ok.” i think we all need to hear that and it was awesome to hear it loud and clear today. I don’t know if this is something that any of you can relate with, but it’s like life slowed down for me. I’m calmer. breath slower. think a lot. have patience and a good attitude. I’m in a sort of not care what people think mode. and there are two of those. the bad one, where you are angry and say you don’t care what people think of you, you are just going to do what you want and who cares. which is unrealistic and will come back to bite you. aaaaaand, there is the second kind. The kind that slows down and is not worried what people think because everything will be ok. It’s ok to let your guard down cody is what i hear God saying to me. It’s ok to slow down. This version of peace or, i guess, this version of myself is the me i like a lot more. I feel more rational, less confrontational. A desire for everyone to feel peace and be happy.
These are moments when the other side of me sticks out and i clearly see what i don’t like in myself. Everyone has an image or first impressions or general thoughts people have when your name comes up. There has been plenty of times in my life where mine has not been so good, maybe even still now. For the record, or maybe more importantly for God, i don’t like being confrontational, i don’t like always making jokes all the time. I don’t like coming off arrogant or cocky at all. I don’t like the way i act sometimes. I don’t like being stubborn, selfish, short-sighted, or the worst one, moody and emotional. I hate that one, ha. Thing is, we are who we are sometimes and each of us have issues or areas of needed growth that come up. Those are some of mine and its up to me to sort them out. or better yet, to really lay them down. To really search for God’s peace and joy on a daily basis. To search for whats most important in life as a person, as a christian, as whatever image or character you are carrying with you.
I believe loving yourself is important. because so many of us can struggle in our relationship with Jesus because of the breakdown in loving ourself. We don’t even realize how God could or really does love us because of our own issues with it. I’m talking about the kind of loving yourself that realizes God made you intentionally. exactly how you are. that includes flaws. imperfections. glorious reminders of our need for a saviour. yes from eternal separation from God, but also from ourselves. from our own standards that always seem to be too high. From our own bad thoughts of who we are. from comparing ourselves to someone else and thinking we come up short. From the thoughts that we aren’t good enough, that we could never truly please God. From stopping ourselves from experiencing real joy and happiness. from letting failure drift into being content.
All of this may be my biggest area of need for improvement. i don’t like who i am a lot. I also struggle with the word love. never got it. had let downs with past girlfriends. thought i understood what it meant only to learn later that i have no idea. I’m not even a huge user of it with my parents. I mean, i do love them, but something about saying it is hard for me. Both these add up to not quite getting the whole God really really loves me thing. I feel like i betray God by the areas of my personality that bother other people or myself. Like it’s not what God intended. The breakdown is that Gods love is not conditional on whether we fully grasp Gods love. It’s not conditional on to when we act in the perfect pleasing way to God. It’s just plain not conditional. If we wait to try and understand more as we mature then we would never get to the “finish line” of maturity and understanding God, therefore we would never be good enough to be loved by God, which is false. God loved me when i didn’t love him at all. God loved me when i loved him a little bit. God loved me when i twisted every scripture and spiritual thought to mean what i wanted to so i could do what i wanted. God loved me in my peak of knowledge of Him. and God will love me throughout the cycle of whatever comes next. You might not understand, because that is not all some cliche christian thing to say that is easy for me. That was all hard. I don’t do love, I have trouble always believing what i even just typed. But the fact i typed it is a start, i think.
Loving who you are is a simple extension of loving God. It’s not about thinking your awesome. if you’ve ever looked in the mirror and weren’t happy with what you saw then you know what i am talking about. That could be how you look physically or just looking in your own eyes and seeing the hurtful things you have done or said. God wants us to see ourselves as he does. Not failures. not sinful because it was paid for. not soon-going-to-get-it-and-do-my-will kinda people, but He sees more. Potential. Beauty. Character. Himself….
I’m a rambler. for the two of you that might have gone on to read this i’m sorry. I hope one of you gets what i’m trying to say and can maybe relate or take something out of it.
To God: this is my heart. you knew it, but you also knew i needed to express it. It’s why we pray and it’s how we grow. Thank you for your peace and joy in my life today. May the mirror tomorrow bring forth a new image. because you didn’t die to burry the old and raise a new for nothing. Any advice i gave in this is probably much for aimed at myself than anyone else. We have to realize we have a lot more to learn before we can ever truly help somebody else learn. Times ticking God. Let me slow down enough to remember each one and enjoy it.
Amen.
