One Year.
Posted by Cody on October 26, 2009
This post is for me. No mention on facebook. No anything. In fact. I hope to blog quickly after this so it gets missed. But i need this.
Today marks the day that would have been the one year anniversary between Lauren and Myself. The day that could have happened if doubts didn’t plague our minds. Or if priorities could have been figured out better on my end. Seemingly, this day almost kept it’s significance. I suppose we have looked a lot like we are dating. We certainly did over the summer. The break up had little impact because we still spent time with each other. One bad day, then we kept seeing each other. Then we spent maybe a month not talking after I left. She never really left my mind, which lead me to believe I made a mistake…or that it wasn’t over. That I needed things to happen in my life before we could come together and actually be right for each other. Maybe I missed her cause she was all I knew. But what if I didn’t? What if the missing her went deeper. That’s what i’ve thought lately, since I’ve been back. Now i’m the cause for Lauren having to answer a thousand questions from people regarding our status. It wasn’t fair of me at all. I hate selfishness, and yet, i practice it all the time. I am sorry that I have not been a good example on relationships at all. Not even close. My goal this time around is to do things right. I just seemed to be stalling because God and work are taking first priority. Now, no communication can occur. I can’t even mention the significance or not of this day. I don’t know why today was so hard. I wish I just knew. The problem with dating once, is that if you want to date twice, you better be for sure cuz it’s going to be serious. I’m scared of the answer to the question, will I marry this girl? Either way, I’m scared. So I stall. I let things act couple-ish. Because it’s comfortable there. Not fair, comfortable. That isn’t happening anymore and the pressure to figure it out seems too much. I can’t figure myself out. I refuse to ever be one of those people who puts off dating to get right with God. There is no finish line. That’s dumb. I also can’t be someone who down plays dating enough to justify it this time around…
One year. Would have been today. Thoughts of what I would have down spiral through my head. The joy of wanting to bring her joy is overwhelming. The doubt plays that pirate ship ride with my thoughts is also overwhelming. Tick tock. Until I should have it figured out. What If I don’t? What if I do? Goodbyes are tough. Hellos forever are also tough, just for different reasons. Vulnerability is key to any relationship. But the second time? what’s to be vulnerable about?
I know God is good. I don’t know if I believe there is only one girl for everyone. I don’t know how destiny, fate, and free-will work together.
Happy Would have been one year. I smiled before the rest of this starting rattling around my brain. I think that’s important…
