Last night was the first night I was allowed to see Lauren in 30 days. We planned on me taking her on a date and we would go from there. I won’t go into details of the date because I can’t be that guy via blog, but ask me if your curious

The moments building up to seeing her face were so intense. I sat in the car for a few minutes trying to compose myself, my nerves, my excitement. I had waited 30 days to see her. Had a speech and entrance planned that I was starting to forget or getting nervous about how it would go. It was incredible. I will never forget seeing her face for that first time in a while. My heart did backflips. I’m not that much of an emotional kind of guy. But she got to me. The whole night I could always feel myself smiling. I don’t know if it gets better than that.

Sure, you can mumble under your breath about it being “one of those situations” that I’ve heard 3 people do so far. Here’s the thing, I don’t care. I care about a lot of other things that people think about me for some reason, but this, nope. The silence break was her idea. And it was hard, but needed. We hadn’t removed ourselves from the relationship at all. We seemed to still act all coupleish. It needed to happen. We needed to figure out what we wanted, who we were in the Lord for real, and how to go from here. I was thankful for it. I also know that I never want to do that again.

I don’t know. There’s a small window into my thoughts on relationships, which I rarely give via blog, especially my own.

Two Days. 

I was listening to the song Homesick by mercy me in the car on the way home from work tonight. I’ve always been amazed at the Christians that truly felt homesick of Heaven because they knew that was their destination. They knew that was home and sometimes yearned to be there instead of here. Not me. I normally like what I got going on down here and have so much yet to experience. I’m not going to say that this one time I listened to it drastically changed my mind, but I will say it was my first experience of having the feelings and emotions of wanting to be in heaven instead of here. And it’s not a “I wish I was dead” thing, it’s just the thought of being with jesus is so overwhelmingly awesome, that it seems better. and it is better, we just don’t see it like that yet because Heaven is so hard to grasp. 

Tonight, I felt it. If home is where my heart is, than I’m out of place. That’s what the song says. I wanted to be in heaven because I wanted to never experience failure again. I notice that failure comes up a lot in my life and as a guy, I don’t take well to it. Whether this be my job, relationships, leading worship, talking to somebody about Jesus, or worse, not talking to somebody about Jesus, Failure comes up a good amount. It is hard on me. I feel the pressure that who I am isn’t good enough for people at times. That when people mistake confidence for cockiness, that’s on my to fix before I bother all of the collective society. That when I don’t complete a task well, i’m viewed as less competent and have to make up for it so much more next time to replace that thought. That when I say one thing about my faith and who I am, and live another, I’ve tragically ruined somebody else’s view of Christ, the church, or myself.

So tonight was the first overwhelming thoughts of that. Heaven is a place where I can be with my saviour, never have to fail him or another person again. I never have to go through doubting him again. I never have to try and explain the things I can’t explain. It was a comforting thought. Alas, the  moment fades, I’m still here and still faced with the challenges of trying to improve as a human and a believer in Christ.

I don’t have any concluding point, other than that it shocked me I felt what I felt. I don’t know if you’ve ever experiences that. It’s wild. Worth while.

I’ve been convicted a lot recently about judging. Dan preached about it this morning at Calvary. I believe that judging is strictly a negative thing. If you make an assumption about somebody that is a good thing, I don’t think i view that as sin or judging. Anyway some valid points were made, “Can we criticizes a painting before the painter has finished?” He also told a story of how a father’s son really had to go pee while they were at the pool, but the dad didn’t want to leave yet, so he told him to just pee in the pool. So a few minutes later there is a commotion at the pool, Dad looks up to see his son standing by the pool peeing into it. Funny, sure. Crazy follow up point though: “There isn’t a single one of us whose pee isn’t polluting the water.” They both pee in the pool, one is just more obvious.

I am very ashamed when I look back at times that I’ve judged others. Or worse, the way I’ve justified judging others. Our society is crazy in that judgement slips into the subtle realm where we don’t even notice it anymore. It’s par for the course. Jesus was the most approachable person there was, if we really started living like him, we would be as well. The people that we judge the most inside the church: The partyers. The ones who come to church, but still drink like a regular PSU student. You know who I’m talking about,  you have some one in mind right now. We judge, we hate, we question there heart. We are furthest form being able to throw the first stone, but we blind ourselves to think it’s still ok to hold it and contemplate the throw.

This is one of many areas that I feel needs to change in my life. I am a very confident, opinionated, stubborn person. I know what I believe for the most part, whether that be faith, sports, or whatever. I’m quick to let you know what I think or why your wrong. It’s a tragic flaw. Sure, You should know what you believe, but when is James 1:19 ever going to be evident in my life? Where is the line of change and acceptance? How much do you attempt to change without compromising who you are? I don’t want to be one of those guys that offends people and simply says, whatever, I’m not changing who I am. I also don’t want to change who God has made me to be. That’s a tough line. I sometimes feel like people want you to change, but they also won’t let you. 

I wish that Mercy and Grace were more evident first, in me, and second in the church. Imagine this place with those two characteristics driving our community. Instead of focusing on how to tell people to sin less, or change, or be a better Christian, there would be forgiveness, healing, and encouragement. We can’t get over ourselves. 

I find it hard to figure out a way to tell people I’m wrong. But I know I can’t get over myself at times. I get so close to what I think is “all figured out” only to stumble backward wondering how far I really am.

There are two types of gress. Progress and Regress. Have you ever felt both on the same night?

Progress. When you feel like you have made improvement. When you look back and see yourself better off now than you were back then. When you feel like you have experienced enough to answer numerous questions in the Faith and Life gambit. Like you have become the mentor that you never dreamed you could be when you had a mentor a few years prior. Like God has prepared you to help others with the things you have learned along the way.

Regress: When something happens that makes you realize you were going the wrong direction. That you are currently worse off than you were to a time prior. When you it becomes clear that you have to start over or fix what went wrong. When something occurs that changes everything or everything that you thought was true.

Reprogress- when they happen in the same night

Ever felt that way? When you think you are on top of the world with what you think about yourself, life, or God. And then somebody brings something to your attention that changes the whole ball game. Blindsides you, reminds you how human you are. Reminds you how little you’ve actually grown or made progress. It’s a crazy two sides of the spectrum. I think both can be good. It’s awesome to be in a confident place in order to help others in whatever issue. It’s also good to be humbled and reminded where you need to improve. As I’m rereading this, I don’t think it makes much sense. I apologize. even to myself, because I thought I was better than that when it comes to putting these things into words. Then again, maybe I just had another moment that I’m trying to describe.

Great lines from a sermon on the prodigal son: “You’re better than who you’ve become.”

I think if we took that to heart, it is one of the great motivators of our time. And a great reminder that who we are is in Christ and we don’t have to wait to hit rock bottom to come back to God.

I’m really anxious. 

Having a lot of thoughts at once is difficult. Surrender is such an interesting topic. It’s like essential for the Christian faith, and yet impossible at the same time. We can never truly accomplish it and yet, we should never quit attempting it. When is something considered surrendered in God’s eyes? When we say we want to? when we actually attempt? when we accomplish for a month, a year? Ever? I know that I want to surrender everything that is hindering my walk with God on principle alone. But, I can’t seem to really do it or even figure out what all those things are. You been there? 

I want what God wants. But I don’t know what he wants. Sometimes I assume. Thus, sometimes I am wrong and it’s back to what I want. I don’t think I know how to be selfless for like 17 hours in a row. I just don’t. So can I ever really serve God? really serve him to my potential? Really serve him like I should? 

How do you know when God has changed you? When you feel enough of a change? When someone else senses it and tells you? When you can look waaay back and think you can tell a difference? How do you know when God needs to change you? When someone else tells you? when you just feel it? When God literally hits you with an object of sorts?

How do you know when your in love? When you feel it? Even I say no to that one. When you want to say it once? When you want to say it 10 times but fought them each off? When you fully grasp how God loves you first? When you fully grasp how God loves his people? When you willingly choose to in a difficult circumstance? When your convinced marriage will follow? When you any well time please?

I don’t know. Maybe one of you does.

On a separate note. I just learned tonight to never doubt the person in the people. People are easy to judge, easy to group into a category, easy to write off. But the passion in a person is unparalleled and should never be questioned. I’m bad with joking when I shouldn’t. I don’t realize how I offend people. It’s not fair. I am sorry. But the person who is fighting the good fight for the Lord never ceases to amaze me. I am blown away, encouraged and inspired. Maybe that makes up for all the questions above I couldn’t answer…

So, i recently finished reading through Matthew. One thing I noticed was how often Jesus told the disciples exactly what he was going to do. He told them 4-5 times that he would be betrayed, die on a cross, and rise again. And yet, when it happened, all the disciples were miserably upset that Jesus died and had no faith that he would rise from the dead. It wasn’t even in conversation. Vegas didn’t even have any odds. You’d think if Jesus told them 4 times something that crazy, and the cross part happened, at least one or two of them would be a bit more hopeful that he would rise again, but they weren’t. Why weren’t they? Are they just that dumb? blinded by doubt? weren’t paying attention when Jesus was talking about that? I’m not sure, however, that prompted me to a new set of questions. How much different would we be? or are we now? Are there times when God is obviously pushing us a certain direction or opening a door and we miss it? Are we acting the same as the disciples? You see, I had to catch myself from hating on the disciples for being so dumb, because I’m not certain that I’m any better at times. I wonder if that’s how God looks at us some times. Are we missing the obvious? Are we missing those doors? The disciples went on to believe the story when they saw Jesus and they all did great things for the kingdom. I don’t know if I want to be similar when it comes to waiting until it’s so very obvious for my proof. Faith is hard, as mentioned in previous blogs, but the reward is high. Don’t wait around for the obvious, when obedience can start today. Scripture is such a cool history tool for showing us how things went down, but we need to learn from it, have it all in context, and make a difference today. 

So again, in the midst of a crazy world and a difficult time to have strong faith, how different are we?

I got the chance to lead worship with some great friends of mine this past sunday at ACF. It was their retreat weekend and they wanted the worship team to get a break sunday morning. So, thankfully, andrew mclean and steve barnwell, returned to state college to help me out. Our old stomping grounds. Fresh removed. It was so awesome to be back and play for those guys with that church. I  never want to sing again without their harmonies behind me. It just felt so right. Beats me on how it went in general, but I know that Us on stage were able to adamantly worship, and I think that’s always important. Sure, mistakes were made. But if anybody was able to stretch themselves worship wise and experience the Lord that morning, than all was worth it. I wish ACF the best as I part from it this year. I toyed around with the idea of helping out and such, alas, my conclusion is to let it be for this year. Be a part of another church body with more people in my scenario. Me a part of a different body in general. Learn to start over, grow, be challenged, challenge others, make friends. A church that meets every sunday year round, haha. I know the potential is high for my involvement in ACF to increase next year, but I need this year. This whole new life is very different to me and I’m trying to figure it out, and desperately don’t want to do it without the Lord and his people encouraging me along the way. 

“take my life and let it be, all for you and for your glory. take my life and let it be yours.”

We are going to go with a general principle that is probably close to reality. Let’s say the world is split about Christianity 10-80-10. 10 percent are all in, devoted, adamantly love jesus and live it out. 10 percent are completely against the idea and oppose it in every way possible. The other 80 are in the middle about it. They are luke warm. Think they believe it, but doubt. Think they should live it out, but don’t….or most of us, proclaim to be the 10, but our lives don’t live like it because we don’t have the discipline, can’t commit, or don’t fully trust God. 

I think that is a crappy way to do it. i think if you believe in something, you should actually believe in it. If it’s not worth going all in for, why are you attempting to do it in the first place? If you know what you believe, which you should for the most part because it should mean enough to you to figure out, Then go out of your way to stand up for what you believe in. On the fence Christians or apathetic Christians drive me nuts. And whenever my life looks like that it equally drives me nuts. It’s not worth it. Life seems to be bigger than just going through it.

So…

What if everyone picked a side. For or against God. The way it theoretically should be. If half the world was sold out for Jesus and the others completely out of the christian circle. What would the world look like? Or the biggest question…would it be better than what we have now or not?

I would argue that the 50-50 system is better. People strongly holding to what they believe to the point where their lives look like it. Sure, it would be chaos, but the church would never get a bad image, because the 80% before aren’t screwing up the church and what it looks like to the outside world. The church would look like it should…and evangelism would be heavy. So maybe the other 50 would start to swing assuming the bad eggs don’t ruin the good ones. I think this is interesting to think about. A shame we will never know for sure. 

End point is that I think it’s better to commit to living for God verses going back and forth. I’m not saying I pull that off all the time. But we, the church, can’t keep doing this. We carry the church with us when we decide we don’t really wanna do it, and thus the tarnishing of Jesus’ gospel begins. 

I dunno…Something to think about…

This post is for me. No mention on facebook. No anything. In fact. I hope to blog quickly after this so it gets missed. But i need this.

Today marks the day that would have been the one year anniversary between Lauren and Myself. The day that could have happened if doubts didn’t plague our minds. Or if priorities could have been figured out better on my end. Seemingly, this day almost kept it’s significance. I suppose we have looked a lot like we are dating. We certainly did over the summer. The break up had little impact because we still spent time with each other. One bad day, then we kept seeing each other. Then we spent maybe a month not talking after I left. She never really left my mind, which lead me to believe I made a mistake…or that it wasn’t over. That I needed things to happen in my life before we could come together and actually be right for each other. Maybe I missed her cause she was all I knew. But what if I didn’t? What if the missing her went deeper. That’s what i’ve thought lately, since I’ve been back. Now i’m the cause for Lauren having to answer a thousand questions from people regarding our status. It wasn’t fair of me at all. I hate selfishness, and yet, i practice it all the time. I am sorry that I have not been a good example on relationships at all. Not even close. My goal this time around is to do things right. I just seemed to be stalling because God and work are taking first priority. Now, no communication can occur. I can’t even mention the significance or not of this day. I don’t know why today was so hard. I wish I just knew. The problem with dating once, is that if you want to date twice, you better be for sure cuz it’s going to be serious. I’m scared of the answer to the question, will I marry this girl? Either way, I’m scared. So I stall. I let things act couple-ish. Because it’s comfortable there. Not fair, comfortable. That isn’t happening anymore and the pressure to figure it out seems too much. I can’t figure myself out. I refuse to ever be one of those people who puts off dating to get right with God. There is no finish line. That’s dumb. I also can’t be someone who down plays dating enough to justify it this time around…

One year. Would have been today. Thoughts of what I would have down spiral through my head. The joy of wanting to bring her joy is overwhelming. The doubt plays that pirate ship ride with my thoughts is also overwhelming. Tick tock. Until I should have it figured out. What If I don’t? What if I do? Goodbyes are tough. Hellos forever are also tough, just for different reasons. Vulnerability is key to any relationship. But the second time? what’s to be vulnerable about?

I know God is good. I don’t know if I believe there is only one girl for everyone. I don’t know how destiny, fate, and free-will work together. 

Happy Would have been one year. I smiled before the rest of this starting rattling around my brain. I think that’s important…